Don’t Let Your Leptonic Girlfriend Catch You!

That was the subject line in a spam email I got. I had to look up leptonic in the dictionary.

lepton–noun Physics.
any of a class of particles with spin of 1/2 that are not subject to the strong force and that are believed to be truly elementary and not composed of quarks or other subunits. The leptons known or believed to exist are the electron and electron-neutrino, the muon and mu-neutrino, and the tau lepton and tau-neutrino.

There aren’t any other definitions. MJ, is there something you need to tell me? The headline was a good one because after learning what a lepton was, I had to know more about elementary particle porn. Sure, I’ve dabbled in theoretical physics erotica – who hasn’t – but never in this particular sub-genre. I hesitated in opening the message but my curiosity and faith in AOL’s filters and LFA’s anti-virus software was too much for me to resist. There were pictures that AOL blocked and I did not unblock them. I know that things can’t be unseen once they’ve been seen, and I don’t have time to see a psychiatrist. I’ve cleaned up the one “sentence” message for the delicate sensibilities of my audience, but the gist of it was, “Thai MILF [performs filthy act] on young studs meloidae lophiidae lussazione cream pie.” Guess who was headed back to dictionary.com? Meloidae is the family of blister beetles: water, desert spider, oil, and a bunch of others. Lophiidae is the family of Goosefishes, the most famous being the Monkfish. Their livers, known as ankimo, are Japanese delicacies. Lussazione is an Italian word for dislocation in a medical sense, as opposed to a diasporatic sense. I’m almost 40% sure diasporatic is a word. There’s no way a person wrote that email message. Not even Sarah Palin using her word-a-day calendar could come up with that. Although it is remarkably close to her position on gay marriage. I just don’t understand how there could still be enough money in internet porn to buy a random email spamming program. Because, at the end of the day, I didn’t go to whatever website they were pimping. I learned a lot. I got a blog post out of it. But they didn’t make any money, unless there’s a huge conspiracy between Google, dictionary.com, and whatever bug site I went to to learn about blister beetles. Then again, maybe High Times should get right on this.

I Call Him The F-22 Because He's a Deep Invader, Baby

Why is it so difficult for politicians to keep it in their pants? Were they too ambitious, too focused on their careers at too young an age to get their freak on in college the way everyone else does? Sam Adams – of the Portland Adams not the Boston Adams – was elected mayor as an openly gay man. He knew before he ran for office that if he won his conduct would be representing the gay community before anyone else. No one is saying, “Those Oregonians are freaks!” because he couldn’t stop himself from sword fighting with an intern. An intern, really? Has that replaced the secretary at the top of the cliché list? At least I get to use my favorite porn line in a post. “Boy, can you come in here? I need you to take some dictation.” You may have to read that out loud. Is it the pressure of the job? I’m starting to think that a hooker allowance/per diem might be a good idea. That’s how they do it in Europe, isn’t it? Don’t frack the help. I’m forced to sit through a ninety minute class every year on just that. I sell life insurance door to door. Should we go Clockwork Orange on every elected official above dog catcher with this class? I laugh at the ridiculous situations in the presentation, but clearly they’re reactive. At some point somebody didn’t understand that a coworker might be offended by that somebody whipping out his junk – PRESIDENT Clinton. Illicit sexual congress is nothing new – PRESIDENT Jefferson. I wonder if there was a rough draft of the Declaration of Independence that started, “When in the course of human events has anyone seen a booty like Sally Hemming’s. I mean damn, she thick as hell!” How surprising would it really be if sometime over the next eight years Chelsea Clinton had a baby that came out mother of pearl or off-white whose first sentence just happened to be, “Yes, we can,”?