Friday, February 22, 2008

Rickson By Armbar

MJ is an internet bulletin board lurker. She peruses a baby related board but never comments. I’m a post whore, especially if posts are tallied and displayed. I’ll comment on a Russian board discussing the degradation of the Russian language as technology progresses. I’m pretty sure the Russian word for gigabyte is gigabyte. I’m also pretty sure their alphabet is Cyrillic; therefore I am qualified to give my two rubles. None of this has much to do with what I’m trying to write about, which is the different natures of MJ’s favorite board and mine. Her May2007 babies board is helpful, supportive, and never ever mocking. My favorite board,, is where intellect goes to die. My board is made up of mostly fifteen year old boys trying to pass themselves off as twenty-something soon to be professional fighters. Lots and lots of bar fights, but no cops or guns or buddies jumping in. Posters on MJ’s board have unraveled the mystery of then and than. Posters on my board still struggle with the difference between granite and granted (I SWEAR TO GOD). I regularly see sentences like, “Granite, Randy Couture beat Tim Sylvia, but he still didn’t deserve the title shot in the first place.” On my board the best way to respectfully disagree with someone’s opinion is to suggest that they kill themselves. “Your(sp) an idiot. Randy Couture is the man. You should Benoit yourself.” Chris Benoit was the professional wrestler who killed his family and then himself. Basically, is like the British House of Commons but with bad grammar. Sometimes I want to go onto MJ’s board and troll aka start stuff for the sake of starting stuff, but she won’t let me. I want to write that I find breastfeeding in public offensive and it should be a fifty dollar fine. I’m sure that would start a lively discussion. What’s refreshing is that there’s an entire chatroom within sherdog dedicated to politics. Some of these people vote, which explains some things. I think everyone should take a look at’s Heavyweights section, and see that maybe Al Gore was wrong. Maybe internet access shouldn’t be available to everyone.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Viva La Revolución!!!

Castro Pone Fin a Casi 50 Años de Poder

As Desi Arnaz is my witness, I told you Fidel no tenía what it took to rule Cuba for very long. It’s like mi abuelita negra used to say El Diablo es un cobadre. BIENVENIDO CUBA LIBRA!!! Wait a minute. ¿Dónde está mi arroz? No es arroz con pollo sin el arroz. Escuche Mr. Chic Fil A. No floté a través del océano en una balsa para no comer mi arroz. Racism in this day and age, an old man can’t get any rice. Treat me like I was medio-Puertorriqueño.

Can we lift the embargo now, pretty please? You win Mr. Nixon. Fidel has fallen. I don’t care about the politics, and I don’t care about the cigars. I’m a little bit – and by a little bit I mean really, really – interested in Cuban rum. I want the “Pearl of the Caribbean” open for my enjoyment. I don’t know about anyone else but I prefer short plane rides to long plane rides, as long as the short plane ride is scheduled to be a short plane ride. A short plane ride scheduled as a long plane ride tends not to work out for most people. Can we annex Cuba now, like we should have done at the end of the Spanish-American war? We kept Guam instead. I just want a trip to the Caribbean to be as simple as a trip to Disney. Maybe Disney will buy Cuba and rename Havana Celebración. It wouldn’t surprise me if, as his last act in power, Castro sold Cuba to Microsoft. Then Microsoft could get into the sugar business. What could possibly go wrong there?

I’m a bit manic right now. I don’t think I should have had that second Diet Mountain Dew. I’m seeing vapor trails. Is that bad?

I just got a weekly fair update from Delta, and I can go from Daytona to Atlanta for $59, but there’s no mention of Jacksonville to Havana. I’ll pay as much as $102 to get to Havana, even if I have to go through Atlanta – which I would since it’s Delta. Castro said he wasn’t going to “run” again at least an hour ago. Let’s make this happen. Banana daiquiris on me.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Daddy Daughter Weekend

MJ spent the weekend getting drunk and arrested with her thug friends, while I was at home with LMJ. MJ wants me to write about my weekend, but as I sit here there's nothing to write. LMJ is a sweet, well behaved little girl who falls into her schedule effortlessly. Seriously, there is nothing to report. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get her to fall asleep without Mommy being there, and I would spend two sleepless nights listening to her scream. It didn't happen that way at all. She went to bed exactly when she was supposed to and I spent two sleepless nights watching her sleep. I caught up on my late night television. The first season of The Cosby Show is the best television ever, and was light years ahead of its time. I don't know if LMJ sees us as caregivers as much as a wait staff. As long as we feed her on time, she's pretty much down for whatever. While she didn't miss her mother demonstrably, she was definitely happy when MJ got home. Momma showed up Sunday afternoon and LMJ was giddy for the rest of the day. I was happy because I got the "self-employed models" out with fifteen minutes to spare. I really expected the worst for the weekend, but it couldn't have gone any better. A big reason for the ease of the weekend is CG. She came in with some quality relief pitching and ate up more innings than could reasonably be expected. We make a good team. I'm the rookie sensation and she's a wily, crafty veteran. It's an unstoppable combination. But not one that should be used too often, so MJ is forbidden from going out of town for a while.

On a side note: We went out to the condo where the girls were staying so I could load up on milk, and I got worked at Phase 10 because ME, Beth, and TF cheated. They were hiding cards. I'll just leave it at that. Make your own judgments.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Responsibility Is A Heavy Responsibility

I had a weird moment recently. I was watching Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie and turned it off because it was stupid. It used to be one of my favorite movies along with Up in Smoke, but as I was watching it I was getting annoyed. None of it was funny. It was all stupid. All I could think was what a couple of morons. Maybe it was because I was sober or maybe it was because I’m thirty-seven, but I definitely don’t like not liking Cheech & Chong. What’s next? Is Dark Side of the Moon going to all of a sudden suck? I spend my days differently now than I did when I was twenty, but I always thought those were the best days. I look back and remember an almost constant intensity of fun that I don’t experience on a regular basis anymore. Maybe that’s just the way memory works. Maybe most of the crap of those days is pushed to the back. I remember it being quaint that I had no job and no money but I did have seventy-two ice cold cans of Bush beer in the fridge – and nothing else – and Gumby’s pizza on speed dial. I have fond memories of my buddy Dave, who was a jackass for the most part, but was always flush with botanical refreshment. I’m having another weird moment right now as I kind of “stream of consciousness” this post. I’m thinking that I should thank God, my personal guardian angel, luck, and/or fate for clouding at least part of MJ’s better judgment. Direct divine intervention is the only explanation for why MJ didn’t run for the hills at some point between my eighteenth and twenty-third birthdays. I was the best of a bad lot I guess. Oh well, c’est la vie. I don’t know what Tommy Chong is up to, but it seems Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez always find a spot for a more sophisticated Cheech Marin. And he’s great. It’s like we grew up together from his ridiculous stoner cholo to a shotgun wielding bar owner. I wonder if he looks back at his early eighties work and thinks what a couple of morons…while counting his residuals.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Vermin Is Perpetually Amusing

There was an article in The New York Times (long read) yesterday about Disney’s ability to keep us amused now and in the future. The article goes into the economy, people’s shrinking patience for standing in lines, and the decrease in “wonder” due to advances in personal technology. The articles conclusions are all wrong. The one thing it does get right is that as its theme parks go, so goes Disney. I try to be as empirical and as analytical as I can be. I’m cynical, skeptical, and convinced of man’s basic worthlessness. On a day to day basis my favorite place is on my couch in front of the television. I hate crowds because crowds lead to waiting. But while the Magic Kingdom* may not be a kingdom it is definitely magical. If I never set foot in a Busch Gardens or a Six Flags again I won’t miss it. Amusement Parks suck as a rule, but one of my great joys is stepping through the gates of the Magic Kingdom and out on to Main Street. It’s transcendental. I’m happy at that moment. I’m six-year-old-kid-got-the-exact-bike-he-wanted-on-his-birthday happy. I enjoy the other Disneyworld parks, but not like the Magic Kingdom. It hasn’t changed since my first time there in 1978. There’s nothing special about it. It’s anachronistic in its constancy, which is what makes it so cool. I’m surrounded by up to a million strangers but I feel comfortable. LMJ’s first favorite song is from a Mousercise CD MJ used when she was an extended day teacher, at an extended privilege private elementary school, to keep the four and five year olds active more than a decade ago. This makes me happy because while LMJ was still just a gleam in her daddy’s eye, one of the things I look forward to the most is exposing her to more and more Disney as she grows up; letting her get acclimated to the fantasy world that exists on the stereo and the television, and then passing the stroller and locker rentals with a three-to-five year old LMJ, stepping into the sun, and BAM!!! it’s all real sweetie, it’s all real. Where is LMJ going to pre-school? I don’t have a clue. When is her next doctor’s appointment? It’s written on a card somewhere – I think. What’s planned for her first trip to Disneyworld? The only thing I don’t know is a specific date. I don’t think it will be magical or transcendental for her the first time, and she’ll be annoyed about “wasting” her weekend/spring break with her parents when she’s a teen, but when she’s in her late twenties she’ll go back – most likely with an exhaustively vetted significant other – and the magic will hit her. That’s why I’m not worried that a retarded stock analyst, which is redundant, has rated Disney as a “sell”. Disney will always be a big part of America, just like apple pie and guns.

* Disneyworld is made up of 4 main amusement parks, a bunch of hotels, and other attractions. When most people talk about "Disneyworld" they mean the Magic Kingdom. I'm just being specific.

Monday, February 4, 2008

More Politics

Beth has inspired this post with her most recent post. I will try not to melt down, but I’m not making any promises. Beth wrote about the hypocrisy of the conservative/Republican rhetoric. I don’t know if their stance is really hypocritical or if it is just short-sighted – or are they the same thing? One example that confuses me is their stance on abortion: it is evil in every instance and must be made illegal. I won’t get into why that can’t happen logistically and how they’ve forgotten the nightmare of coat hangers and back alley butchers. They seem obsessed with the well being of a fetus but the instant the umbilical cord is cut it’s, “Hey, not my problem. You got yourself into this mess.” My mom thinks it’s misogyny, pure and simple, and it’s hard to refute that argument, but I honestly don’t think they make the connection between the two issues. I think it’s two different groups of conservatives with not as much overlap as one would think. On the one hand there is the social conservative and on the other there is the fiscal conservative. The social conservative is completely insane. They honestly want to control sex – the strongest drive in the natural world. The fiscal conservative just doesn’t want to pay for anything, ever. When you combine the two you get a special kind of crazy. You get either George W. Bush or Ron Paul. My favorite thing about George W. Bush is that he was the worst President in 130 years and the U.S. is still the best place to live in the world by far. My favorite thing about Ron Paul is that he wants to cut taxes across the board, and at the same time, he wants to round up all 10 to 20 million illegal aliens and ship them back where they came from. Marinate on that for a moment. Seriously, take a moment and think about the grand scale of Dr. Paul's "Round 'em Up" scheme and how he wants to do it on the cheap. That’s short-sighted more than hypocritical isn’t it? I don't think he is saying things just to get elected. Since he has as much chance of winning the election as Rosie O’Donnell, why would he pander to anyone? I think he’s your typical conservative trying to deal with one problem at a time and not even realizing that there is a big picture. I just can’t see myself ever voting for a conservative for President. I’m still not voting for a Democrat out of spite. Which is how we arrive at the Dick Cheney decision, but he’s not a conservative he’s a Fascist – big difference.