Monday, December 31, 2007
We went to Ikea in Orlando yesterday and it wasn’t too bad. We got some stylish, borderline well made furniture for a reasonable price – until you factor in that I have to put it together. It’s a pretty cool store with a great setup. It might be MJ’s favorite place on Earth, with the possible exception of Disney. If Orlando wasn’t such a corn-flecked turd floating in a punch bowl we’d probably move there. If you haven’t been to an Ikea it’s like a Levitz (RIP) on steroids with a European feel. All their stuff has Swedish names with lots of umlauts so it must be the best. It also has two places to eat – aka how they got LJ to come along. It has a cafeteria that serves authentic Swedish fare and a glorified hot dog stand with 50 cent hot dogs and dollar cinnamon buns the size of car tires. We were in a hurry so I didn’t get to spend all $10 I had planned to spend at the hot dog stand. I only got two dogs, so the trip was a failure from my perspective. I brought some Zantac, some Pepto-Bismol, a pipe cleaner, and a bucket in case I needed some help finishing my allotted twenty franks. They’re not crap hot dogs either; they’re stadium quality. You’d pay $13 at a ballpark for something similar, and I was getting them for 50 cents a piece. It’s obvious why I was excited. MJ went for the furniture. I don’t need furniture. I’ve got furniture. I was going for the nitrates and a stomach ache. I got very little of one and not a hint of the other.
Friday, December 28, 2007
When either of these two questions is asked, diplomacy never had a chance: You lookin’ at me? and You think you’re better than me? They don’t suggest open-mindedness. They’re almost always rhetorical, and they’re usually followed by an overhand right.
These next thoughts were inspired by Harry Belafonte singing s A Long Time Ago in Bethlehem.
There’s a Florida Gator joke that goes, “Why does the St. John’s river flow north? Because Georgia sucks.” Is there a Muslim parallel about the Nile and Israel or is there too big of a cultural gap?
Why isn’t there a heavy metal band named Deathlehem or at least a song, and if there is then why haven’t they made it big? How can you suck with a name like Deathlehem? I’ve got an idea for a movie called Deathlehem. It’s basically a buddy cop movie, but instead of detectives they’ll be prophets. The team will be Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed. Moses will be the wily, crafty veteran and senior prophet. Jesus will be the on the edge burnout who’s seen too much, but constantly feels the need to prove that he didn’t get the job just because of who his dad is. He won’t be able to do any of paperwork because of the Stigmata. Mohammed will be the by the book rookie who won’t bend the rules – procedure over efficiency – and will only speak in Arabic. Abel has been resurrected and sent to Bethlehem to show that God has forgiven man and we can re-enter the Garden of Eden, but Satan and Cain have different ideas. The Prophets will be dispatched to keep Abel alive. The first line of the movie will be Cain asking Abel, “You think you’re better than me?” Action will ensue.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Is everything okay, LJ? Your door is wide open.
I don’t know, he said they’re waiting for Elijah.
Elijah, Elijah who?
Elijah Profits I think. Do you know him?
No, I think he was a linebacker for the Jags.
No, that’s Elijah Pitts.
This is just weird. I think we should call the cops.
There will need to be some ground rules though. First, bacon is staying on the menu and gefilte fish isn’t getting on. Second, I can’t grow facial hair. It’s genetic, there’s nothing I can do. Third, if I have a son I’m naming him after me. Other than that, I’m already circumcised, and we’ve always agreed that women are property and homosexuals should be tormented. What else is there? Mazel tov and LeChaim.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Should I get my JD? What is your advice for someone thinking about going into law school? Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to squander your existence sitting in a lifeless office, churning out ultimately meaningless paperwork? Then yes, get your JD. Listen to me people: There is a reason that lawyers have the LOWEST job satisfaction of any profession in America. THE JOB SUCKS. It is horrible. If you know any lawyers, ask yourself: Are they happy with their job or their life? 90% of the time, the answer will be no. If the answer to that question is yes, then ask yourself, "Do I like that person." The answer will be almost always be no. The only lawyers who like their jobs are the sketchy ones that are the reason lawyers jokes are so prevalent and popular. Do you want to be that person? If so, then yes, get your JD.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Taser Used On Parent at Ed White. The Taser has to be cops' favorite gadget since the advent of the siren. They don't have to take any crap anymore. There used to be a huge gulf where diplomacy lay between a cop having to risk going hand-to-hand and shooting someone. Now cops can zap people willy-nilly and only two out of every hundred will go into cardiac arrest. I'm a little disappointed that this didn't happen at another Jacksonville high school, Nathan B. Forrest Senior High School. Forrest Gump was named after him.
Would-be Robbers Strike Out Twice at Jacksonville Restaurant. How is it that these two jackasses didn't get tasered by the police. I love Law & Order: Criminal Intent's major case squad, but I want to see Law & Order: Re-Tard. In Jacksonville's war on crime, the dumbest criminal offenders are filmed and ridiculed mercilessly by the detectives of the You've-got-to-be-kidding-me squad. These are their stories. CHUNG-CHUNG. It would star Samuel L. Jackson and Billy Bob Thornton. The Captain would be Chelsea Handler. The Assistant State Attorney would be Don Cheadle doing the cockney he does in the Ocean's # movies. Eddie Izzard would be the transvestite vice cop. The show would be pricey but it would be worth it.
On the other hand it was 85 degrees here today, December 12.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
One of my favorite movies is Conspiracy. It stars Kenneth Branagh and Stanley Tucci. It’s about the Wannsee Conference where the Nazis make the executive decision to streamline the Holocaust. It’s disturbing. Netflix or Blockbuster it today for some cheery holiday viewing if you haven't seen it.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
I’m a fan of extremes. I enjoy polar opposites. How bad can bad get is one of my favorite questions – when it’s funny. I’m listening to someone sing the Ave Maria over Schubert’s melody very well. I think it’s Loreena McKennitt. It’s a transcendent piece of music, of which there are about four in the world. Strangely, they’re all religious pieces except for Gin and Juice. Normally I don’t “listen” to music. Normally it’s just there as a mild opiate, but occasionally, as in the case of the Ave Maria, I can’t push it to the background. No matter how many times I hear it I fall into the intricacies of the talent and skill necessary to do it right. And by doing it right I mean a top notch soprano. It probably should be sung by a castrato but that’s creepy. There’s a recording of one of the last castratos from the early twentieth century with his picture next to it. Dude looks like Tony Soprano (wow, I didn’t even see that pun coming until it was on the page) but sounds like an eleven year old boy. It makes my skin crawl. Anyway, if it’s not going to be sung by someone with a tight control of a high register and without genital mutilation then let’s derail this train. Biz Markie sings the Ave Maria. Pee Wee Herman sings the Ave Maria. Steve & Edie sing the Ave Maria. Ashlee Simpson sings – not lip syncs – the Ave Maria. I’m sure the Vatican, the Catholic League, Opus Dei, the Southern Baptists, the Sons of Abraham, and even Al Qaeda would agree that Ashlee Simpson singing the Ave Maria would be blatantly anti-Catholic and a crime against humanity. If locking Ashlee Simpson in The Hague can bring Catholic and Protestant, and Jew and Muslim together then isn’t that what the holidays are all about? It’s what Martin Luther King, jr. died for.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
There's no business like show business
Like no business I know
Everything about it is appealing
Everything the traffic will allow
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
When you aren’t stealing that extra bow.
Then I start over. MJ is a patient woman. She didn’t pick up a knife or a blunt object. She just asked what was wrong with me and suggested I learn the rest of the lyrics. I learned this show tune watching Drama Queen, aka EJG’s and JSG’s gravy train, sing it last year as the star of Annie Get Your Gun. She sings it a lot better than I do. For my money sixth grade musical theater is the only musical theater. Then I started thinking about how hopelessly uncool she must think we all are with our silly blogging gang name and political opinions. Sinatra, aren’t they a Brazilian heavy metal band? It doesn’t bother me because I know I’m cooler than Freddy Jackson drinking a milkshake in a snowstorm – long live Outcast – and in twenty-five years she’ll feel the way I do now.
I had a pleasant conversation about how cold it is here at 8 o’clock this morning with a guy in the elevator. I think when I have a moment’s peace around this time of year the cheer really affects me (effects? Cora can you help me?) in a positive way. Happy birthday Jesus.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tougher Than a $2 Steak: Part II
LMJ’s first tooth is poking through. I found it yesterday. What’s strange is that she hasn’t been exceptionally fussy, or maybe it’s not so strange. Maybe she really is just hard-core.
Remember Bad Idea Jeans?
We heard a woman screaming, “Let go of me! You’re hurting me!” outside a few minutes ago. I thought it was kids playing, but then I thought what if it isn’t. So I hurtled out the door in order to give chase – in flip-flops. I learned that I’m more agile in running shoes. There were people outside, which is strange in our neighborhood, and I got worried. A lady asked me if I knew her, the screaming woman. I said no, and headed down a dark street after two guys in their late teens or early twenties. I was starting to come up with a plan to deal with the two yutes if things got physical – lose the flip-flops was step 1, step 2 was don’t die – it’s not that I was trying to be a badass but at this point I still thought the screamer was a little girl and if I’m not willing to stand up for a little girl then I suck. A small wave of relief washed over me when the lady who had asked me if I knew the screamer earlier said it was coming out of a specific house. I walked up to the house, staying off the property as step 2 become more precise – don’t get shot. I shouted, “Is everything okay?” A big guy came out of the door. Where the hell are the little guys that buy the Old Navy medium t-shirts? The big guy told me that he was arguing with his wife and she started screaming specifically so people would come outside. He said she had run off into the neighborhood. I took his word for it – what else could I do – and let him know that if there was anymore screaming I would call the police. He was cordial so I find myself believing his story, but if his wife does wind up dead at least I have a story to tell the cops, “Officer! Officer! I saw the whole thing. You can read about it on my blog!”
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sci-fi has to be the exact opposite of other genres. It always has to be original. I think the best example is M. Night Shyamalan. The Sixth Sense isn’t better than Unbreakable or Signs, it just came first, and then he got stuck playing the same riff. Jim Carrey, on the other hand, can play the exact same note over and over again and not lose a thing. We want that from him. The reason Battlestar Galactica works is because the writers took a Star Wars rip-off with a great premise that they loved as kids and turned it on its ear. They recast a bunch of male characters as females, ratcheted up the intensity, scraped away the cheez, and constantly ask, “What would happen if…” Sci-fi has to make the audience think and a lot of times it forces us to think about things we’d rather not, which is why it has trouble with critics. Most good sci-fi isn’t optimistic about the future of humanity. Most good sci-fi follows the theme of Planet of the Apes; we’re all chimps and it’s just a matter of time before we burn everything to the ground. No one, not even you Cora, left Blade Runner humming the soundtrack.
Sci-fi also has to overcome working without a net. There is no emotional context available before the show. When Shakespeare movies are made the period is often moved, whether it’s Hamlet moved from the 14th century to the 19th or Romeo & Juliet moved to the 1990’s. Both were adored by critics. Titus, which is Titus Andronicus moved into the future, didn’t seem to work because the audience had to struggle to make references. The masses think Terminator 2 is better than the original because there are already emotional connections to the characters. WARNING LJ IS ABOUT TO FLUNK A GEEK TEST AND PROCEED INTO TEMPORAL PHYSICS : The Terminator was a great sci-fi movie and went into great detail explaining why T2 or any subsequent sequel couldn’t happen. First, the reason Arnold is covered in flesh is because only organic material can travel through time. Second, the machines sent Arnold back; the humans sent Reese back and smashed the time machine or at least were in control of it. The machines couldn’t send back Robert Patrick or Kristanna Loken because they never could have been developed, and if they could have been developed the machines just would have sent back three Kristanna Loken models to the three different time periods since she was, by far, the most advanced. But neither Robert Patrick nor Kristanna Loken could have come back through time because they were both liquid metal and not organic as it was explained in the first movie. So it's absolutely impossible for The Terminator sequels to be better than the original since they couldn't happen. Dick Sargent is not Dick York.
Wow! That got out of hand quickly. Maybe critics just don’t like dealing with people like me, which I completely understand.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I’m thankful for friends dumb enough to run a half-marathon and finish it smiling. EJG and JSG went running in the rain this morning and lived to tell the tale, which makes me think I can do it. Since I’ve already signed up for one in February this is a good thing. I’m thankful for friends with the cojones to call someone out on their passive racism to their face. Cora Spondence is the motherfu*&ing man. I’m thankful for friends who I’ve known for a billion years who started blogging as a time capsule for their little one, which helped push me to start this piece of life stealing crap. I’m thankful for having so many great people in my life.
Hopefully, at some point in the next few years all of the wonderful people that I know will be able to get together for Thanksgiving and be the gluttonous Americans we are; eating and drinking too much. I’ve mentioned this in my perfect day post along with knowing I’ve had more than my share of perfect days. I’m just a lucky guy.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
[i] There is no argument on Predator’s place in the Pantheon of guy movies. While there are many better films than Predator there are no better guy movies. To put it in perspective, the Beatles White Album is considered by many to be the best album of all time, but Straight Out of Compton is an infinitely better gangsta rap record.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
This was just too funny not to post.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Don’t you think it’s important to be a prepared as you can possibly be in an emergency? I mean come on, not having something you need can cause major problems in an emergency. This is why I, Britney Susan Sunshine Garcia actress at Lavilla School of the Arts (LASOTA) in Jacksonville, Florida, think that 8th graders should be allowed to have cellular phones at school, in case they have to make an emergency call. Take for example my best friend Kaiytlyin Scimaone Stephens. She is an 8th grade dancer at LASOTA and one time she forgot her lunch and she has her dance class right after lunch and the dance teachers are really tough and make their students work really hard during class which really does make them better dancers but Kaiytlyin didn’t have any lunch so she was really exhausted during her dance class and she almost fainted twice but the teacher just made her keep working even though you could tell her blood sugar was really low and she could have died. Now if Kaiytlyin had been allowed to have a cell phone at school she could have called her mom – between classes of course because education is the most important thing - at work and her mom could have either gone home and made Kaiytlyin something and brought it to school or she could have stopped somewhere and gotten her something to eat. I mean that just really makes sense doesn’t it? And it’s not like we would even have to have it on unless we really needed it so it wouldn’t even ring during classes and if our parents needed to reach us we could check our voice mail between classes on the way to our lockers. It has truly been my pleasure to convince you that 8th graders should be allowed to have cellular phones at school.
Britney Susan Sunshine Garcia.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Okay, now my brain hurts. I won’t lie. I broke out the 501 Spanish Verbs, the Spanish-English dictionary, and if I had any commitment I would break out the Spanish Idioms. Still, me not talk pretty one day, me talk pretty right now. MJ was commenting on her blog and thought it would be cool if we all wrote a post in whatever foreign language we learned in college. Her statement is the example in Clichés for Dummies for the easier said than done entry. I still understand Spanish pretty well. I can follow what’s going on with Rafael and Isabel on a telenovela. I can’t speak Spanish to save my life. If I got dropped in Argentina I could get home but I wouldn’t be able to get Gabriela to give me free tango lessons. I wish I did speak more languages. I had a couple of classes with a Ukrainian kid at UNF. He spoke Ukrainian, Russian, French, and English fluently. I want to be able to do that but there’s absolutely no need for it here in the US and even less need here in Jacksonville. So I never get to speak Spanish and it’s atrophied in the decade since I took my last class. I imagine in Miami and in certain parts of Tampa it’s difficult to function if you don’t speak Spanish. You’re missing huge chunks of the flavor of the city if you only speak English. In Jacksonville you don’t even really need to know English. All you need to know is go Gators, I’m a Republican, and Yes, I’ve accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I love living in Jacksonville, but it’s not a hot bed of curiosity. I couldn’t live in Miami, but its Latin vibe is intoxicating. We need to bring some of it up here. We’ll send them some water from the St. Johns and they can send us algunas cubanas. Three years ago George Lopez said we’d all be speaking Spanglish in two years. Well, sabes que, I’m still waiting pendejo.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Thank God for the second amendment. Slapstick might be dead without it. After reading this article and watching this video I was OTFLMAO. That’s on the floor laughing my ass off. I’ll bet dollars to donuts that at least two of the people involved scratch checks on a yearly basis to The National Rifle Association. Guns don’t kill people; retards do. The only thing that would have made this better is if Einstein and Oppenheimer were using crossbows. Dude tried to loosen a lug nut with a double barreled shotgun. Get some PB Blaster. Even if it does ricochet you won’t wind up in the hospital filled with double-ought buckshot. As for the chick and her friends/family, all I can say is holy mother of God. Camouflage: check. Video camera: check. High Powered Rifle: check. Synaptic function: not so fast my friend. I’ve never fired anything more powerful than an air rifle but I could tell she was holding the gun wrong and what happened was going to happen. Why couldn’t the jackass in the camo tell? Was he too busy living out his Steven Spielberg fantasies? Well maybe not Spielberg, he’s a Jew. Not Coppola or Scorsese they’re both Catholics. Definitely not Spike Lee, definitely not Spike. Dammit! camo guy was breaking new ground – and his sister/cousin/girlfriend’s nose. Then they treated the broken nose wrong. Tipping your head back went out of style before Physical Graffiti was released. What about the doctors who had to treat these two rocket scientists? Does stuff like this push the Hippocratic Oath to its breaking point? Are doctors thinking, “I’m working thirty-six hour shifts, and I’m three hundred grand in debt so I can stitch up stupid people that are going to, invariably, complain that I’m charging them too much to stop their bleeding and dig out little balls of lead before they get infected and they die a slow, painful, gangrenous death? I should have gone to law school.”
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I’m sure you’re all asking, “Gosh, LJ is always talking about his mental filter. I don’t think it’s working, and if it is working, just what exactly is it catching?” What’s disturbing, even to me, is that the filter is working fine.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Wow! This post really spiraled out of control quickly didn’t it? I’m like the Ghostbusters ghost containment unit – ground breaking technology that’s ignored a few safety measures. On a lighter note I signed up for that nablopmo thing.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
What do you mean there's going to be a delay? Why can't I just get on the airplane? This is the photo I used for my passport. I think it's a good thing I travel with MJ, otherwise I might have some Homeland Security issues. I'd look twice at this shady bastard. The one thing I have going for me in the not looking like a freaking terrorist department is that I can't grow facial hair to save my life. So I think I may come off as more of an American Indian or maybe a Polynesian.
Services you won't get from your candy ass Merrill broker. Are they even going to be in business a year from now? This is me helping either set up or clean up MJ's classroom.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
On a more positive note, we have 5 scientific reasons the zombie apocalypse could happen. It’s strange that I saw Cracked Magazine’s list this morning because I had It’s a Hard Knock Life stuck in my head and I was thinking about Little Orphan Annie, who was a zombie orphan, and a sequel – Annie II: Annie-nihilation. In case anyone is hung up on the fact that Annie was a zombie just look at her eyes and the eyes of her zombie dog Sandy. No irises plus no pupils equals the undead. It’s basic arithmetic. In the sequel Daddy Warbucks has been murdered and an adult Annie is out for some zombified revenge – asses will be kicked, names will be taken. Annie will gain superhuman strength and stamina when she eats brains, but she’s not going to be a reluctant zombie like Blade is a reluctant vampire (hybrid). Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto will be her personal chef at the Warbucks compound. He’ll prepare the brain snack packs Annie needs in her quest to find her benefactor’s killer(s). Here’s the cool part. The killers are Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. Ron left Hermione for Harry. So Hermione, attracted to his steely gray eyes and fat bank account, turns to Malfoy. He likes her because she’s from the wrong side of the tracks and she’s feisty. The story isn’t fleshed out right now, and that’s probably a good thing. Sarah Jessica Parker can reprise the stage role that made her famous.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Side note: There’s a stupid Cadillac commercial with some 40 something chick asking if when I turn my car on does it return the favor. First of all, I drive a truck. Second, white women don’t drive Cadillacs. White men over 50 and black men over 15 drive Cadillacs – if they don’t drive trucks that is.
Anyway, I had more than my fair share of fun as a teen, and I never got arrested. Doing either one of these things is easy. Doing both of them together is threading a needle. I’m thinking of trying Ernest Hemingway’s muse, liquor. But if I get drunk alone in the dark on a Thursday night I don’t really see a way of avoiding getting screamed at by MJ. We’ve been together for the better part of twenty years, and I’m almost certain she has a problem with alcoholics crawling into bed next to her, even if it is for art. Men call this attitude hateration. I think women call it not being a complete moron or adulthood. Liquor is a fickle muse. Hemingway killed himself, but he’s remembered as a great writer. I can’t think of a great writer that wasn’t a massive substance abuser or was born with at least one massive psychosis. But if I get hammered I’ll wake up with a hangover, a screaming wife, and a screaming baby. Sorry, but my art isn’t worth that. Good sense sucks.