Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Richard Bruce "Dick" Cheney in '08

The leading Democratic nominees signed a pledge back in September not to campaign or assign the delegates in Florida because Florida chose to move its primary election date to January 29. The primary doesn’t matter. I’m a registered Independent; I don’t get to vote today anyway. The general election does matter. Florida is the biggest swing state. It’s the third biggest state, population wise, and Barrack, John, and Hillary have decided that they have some sort of authority over us. Somewhere in a beltway induced fog they’ve come to believe that we need them, as opposed to them needing us. They’ve decided to concede Florida and her twenty-seven electoral votes, and I guess, roll the dice in Ohio for her twenty-one electoral votes. The state that decided they hate boy-boy kissing more than they love having jobs in the last Presidential election. A guy with a skin condition and a funny name and a liberated woman with a philandering husband have put all of their eggs in the irrational basket of some laid off NASA workers and fundamentalist Christian farmers living in Republican Israel. How can I possibly vote for either of these idiots? I don’t care about the first husband, Bill X, questioning Obama’s blackness. I don’t care about Obama running around like a Gitmo prisoner at Disneyworld. I do care about the arrogant lack of foresight. I don’t see either a Washington/FDR or a W/Grant among any of the candidates so I don’t care who gets elected. But since the Democrats have pulled this stunt, I do care who doesn’t get elected. I won’t vote for a Democrat for President. I don’t care if it’s a Romney/Thompson ticket on the Republican side. I don’t care if Roe v. Wade is overturned. I don’t care if they bring back Jim Crow. I don’t care if I lose my right to vote altogether. Hillary and Obama can rot in Hell. Well done jackasses.

Friday, January 25, 2008

I Was Going Into Tashi Station to Pick Up Some Power Converters

I want to apologize for the negative tone of this post in advance. Whoever decided on the 1001 movies people should see before they die has upset me. I understand that I’m a Sci-fi geek, and that just because I like it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. I don’t have a problem with The 5th Element not being on the list. It’s a stupid niche film that I happen to like. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat when Blade Runner didn’t make the list, but I know that oversights can happen, and there needs to be room for The Aviator and Far from Heaven. I think people should be sodomized with a chainsaw when none of the Star Wars movies make the list, and by Star Wars movies I mean Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. That other stuff didn’t really happen. Star Wars just revolutionized filmmaking and won a bunch of Oscars (zero of them were for acting). It was just the launching point for the most bankable movie star ever, Harrison Ford (Raiders of the Lost Ark didn’t make it either). Why see The Empire Strikes Back when you could see Gallipoli or The Blair Witch Project? How does Star Wars get skipped? Didn’t they have an editor or some type of review board to stop this crap from happening?
I started looking at the list to help broaden my horizons. I can only watch Smokey and the Bandit so many times. I was prepared to give movies like Annie Hall and Breakfast at Tiffany’s a look in the spirit of open mindedness, but not now. Now Woody Allen goes back to being the guy who slept with his nanny and Audrey Hepburn goes back to not being Katherine. It’s not just the omission of Star Wars that makes me hate these people. It’s their incompetence. How do you put The Good, The Bad and The Ugly on your list but leave off A Fist Full of Dollars and For a Few Dollars More. You can’t put part three of a trilogy on a great movie list without parts one and two. This is why the standard for justifiable homicide needs to be they needed killin’.

(Big Up’s to me for not going on a diatribe about the myriad ways Star Wars is the greatest thing ever)

Friday, January 18, 2008

A Review of My '07 Goals

I posted some goals last March right after the River Run. #1 isn't happening. I still plan on improving my time in the race but an hour and a half is much more realistic. If I was going to finish it in under an hour I would need to weigh about 180lbs. This morning I weighed 230.5 lbs. (Damned Swedish Meatballs) I'm going to try to get under 210lbs before the race, which shouldn't be a problem, and shoot for a sub-one hour River Run in '09. The reasons I failed goal 1 are the same reasons I can cross goal 2 off my to-do list. It got cold outside. I stopped running. I kept eating. I got strong like bull. Tuesday I benched 225lbs. 26 times - legit - none of those chicken bleep half reps that I see guys doing, trying to pad their stats. It was bittersweet. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, but I'm also as strong as I'll ever be - most likely. I accomplished one goal, but at the direct expense of the other, and my success is fleeting. I don't have the time or the deep desire to be as strong as I am and weigh 180lbs. It's not physically impossible, but with my current muscualture I would have to walk around at under 3% body fat. I'll choose cheeseburgers and beer over washboard abs all day everyday. I already tricked MJ into marrying me; what possible use could I have for rippling stomach muscles?

If I Had A Time Machine

I was holding LMJ and showing her the Tickle Me Elmo when I got an idea that I think would be really funny. If I could go back in time, of course, I would think about killing Hitler before he rose to power and things like that, but I would worry about the temporal physics -- the grandfather paradox. But before I did that I would have some fun by leaving a Tickle Me Elmo in Salem in 1692 and watch the hilarity ensue. If you're not going to torment freaks what's the point of time travel?

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Resolution Will Not Be Televised

It’s January 14, 2008 and the gym is empty. Every single year at the beginning of January 8 million people join the Y as a new year’s resolution to get in shape, and by the middle of the month they’re all gone. They do two weeks, max, and they quit. Which is kind of silly because it only takes three weeks to form a habit. I’m not complaining. I love it when the gym is empty. I hate waiting for equipment. I like to be able to go from machine to machine as quickly as possible trying to make my heart explode. I can count on the staff and the regulars to know CPR. The resolutioners may just stare at me as I clutch my chest and twitch on the ground, not knowing what to do or not wanting to seem out of place. Even though administering CPR is commonplace among hard core lifters. I gave mouth-to-mouth to a guy this morning. He called it sexual assault, but whatever. That’s what I get for trying to be a Good Samaritan. I don’t hate these people. I pity the fools. I want them to succeed. Getting in shape is the best way to raise self esteem and mood. It’s even better than ethnic cleansing.

Today is MJ’s birthday. She turns a very young 46. I remember when we first started dating. I was an 18 year old college freshman. She was a 27 year old Comp I professor. She was intrigued by my lack of effort and 2 Live Crew concert T-shirt, which said something so offensive I’m embarrassed that I wore it and sad that there are no pictures. I’m joking of course – about her age. She’s 36. The bad grades and profane T-shirt are dead on accurate. If she met the 18 year old me today she would probably try to have me arrested. For me though, I find her a peach in all of her incarnations, but I’m pretty sure I used to get my way more often. Happy Birthday sweetie pie!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Monday, January 7, 2008

Meat the Stars

I'm watching the Biggest Loser on Bravo, and I feel bad for the people on it because while they're doing something positive, they're subject to stupid reality show crap. I don't have a problem with the nazi personal trainers pushing people farther than they want to go, but I do have a problem with forcing them to vote other people off the show. It doesn't add drama, and it's kinda mean. But that's not what this post is about. I have a new show called Meat the Stars, and instead of people trying to lose weight, stars like Nicole Richie, Kate Bosworth, Keira Knightley, and other Auschwitz chic celebrities have to put on weight. McDonald's may be too image conscious to sponsor it but I'm sure Carl's Jr./Hardees would have no problem at all. Just like The Biggest Loser, they would get dropped at a camp in the middle of no where and be forced to eat. I'm sure their metabolisms would slow down once the cocaine was out of their systems, and they were on a strict diet of beef fat, french fries, and white bread. The scoring would be on body weight % gain, and they all have a lot of room for growth. Nicole Richie and Kate Bosworth both weigh under 100lbs. Keira Knightley weighs less than 110lbs., but she's 5'7". 5'7" female athletes tend to weigh about 135 or 140lbs, ripped. I don't understand how these walking candy apples can feel good, but they will after some corn dogs and cheddar mashed potatoes. Must see TV

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Wii got a Wii

I quit my job. I don't know if MJ did. I think wii had a baby or a pet or something. Wii won't be posting for a while; wii'll be playing video games.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I Almost Died

We are not set up for cold weather at all here in the Sunshine State. I thought it was quaint that the temperature was 29 degrees when I left for work this morning. It was actually freezing – winter yea! It stopped being quaint when the 22 mph winds blew right through my coat freezing me to the bone on my fifty foot walk from my car to my office building. I almost died. I went for a run this afternoon when it was warmest around 42 degrees. Every breath I took hurt my lungs like I was chain smoking menthol cigarettes and my Forerunner 305 was shortchanging me on my distance. I almost died. The track at the Y may not be exactly 1/6th of a mile like it’s supposed to be but I know that whatever the distance is it’s constant. My first six laps were .83 miles. My second six laps were .77 miles. That’s almost a hundred yards difference. I didn’t cut through the infield so where’s my hundred yards (and my 40 acres and a mule while we’re at it)? I understand that it’s hard to be accurate measuring a guy running in a 1/6th of a mile circle from 100 miles above the earth while I sit here comfortable, writing in my warm house, spraying AquaNet out the window to help the global warming, but not when I’m running. If a guy moved a mile marker as I approached it during a race because it was a hundred yards short I would shoot him in his kneecap, catch my breath, and then scream at him until he bled to death. Cheating me out of mileage isn’t okay. And when I got home and tried to upload my bogus stats I got cryptic error messages. What the hell is the point of running if my gadgets don’t work? MJ updated some USB drivers and got the thing to work, but it was close; I almost died.