I Call Him The F-22 Because He's a Deep Invader, Baby

Why is it so difficult for politicians to keep it in their pants? Were they too ambitious, too focused on their careers at too young an age to get their freak on in college the way everyone else does? Sam Adams – of the Portland Adams not the Boston Adams – was elected mayor as an openly gay man. He knew before he ran for office that if he won his conduct would be representing the gay community before anyone else. No one is saying, “Those Oregonians are freaks!” because he couldn’t stop himself from sword fighting with an intern. An intern, really? Has that replaced the secretary at the top of the cliché list? At least I get to use my favorite porn line in a post. “Boy, can you come in here? I need you to take some dictation.” You may have to read that out loud. Is it the pressure of the job? I’m starting to think that a hooker allowance/per diem might be a good idea. That’s how they do it in Europe, isn’t it? Don’t frack the help. I’m forced to sit through a ninety minute class every year on just that. I sell life insurance door to door. Should we go Clockwork Orange on every elected official above dog catcher with this class? I laugh at the ridiculous situations in the presentation, but clearly they’re reactive. At some point somebody didn’t understand that a coworker might be offended by that somebody whipping out his junk – PRESIDENT Clinton. Illicit sexual congress is nothing new – PRESIDENT Jefferson. I wonder if there was a rough draft of the Declaration of Independence that started, “When in the course of human events has anyone seen a booty like Sally Hemming’s. I mean damn, she thick as hell!” How surprising would it really be if sometime over the next eight years Chelsea Clinton had a baby that came out mother of pearl or off-white whose first sentence just happened to be, “Yes, we can,”?