I’m once again bored to the brink of suicide on a conference call listening to some idiot tell me how his variable annuity is so much better than anything in the history of the universe. I figure this is a good time to write something, at least that’s what the Bible tells me to do – And the LORD called unto Moses, and spake unto him out of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying. Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them. When thou art beseeched by the inanities of wicked men, and their ridiculously overpriced variable wares, despair not. Ye shall instead update thine blog, even of the internet, and of the World Wide Web (Leviticus 4:20-21). I don’t have any type of bovine let alone a fatted calf, so I’m going to burn some Styrofoam coolers full of Aquanet cans in a plastic bag.
I’m sick of the anthropocentric tree huggers. If we burn all the fossil fuels, and cut down all of the trees the Earth will still spin on its axis as it continues to hurtle through space; we just won’t be here to see it. So? Even if our self-destruction takes every other form of life on the planet with us – and I seriously doubt we can finish off cockroaches – Gaea still has the option to start all over. I tend to believe that Agent Smith had it right in The Matrix; we’re not really primates, we’re a virus. I don’t have anything against conservation or self-preservation, but Al Gore makes me want to vomit, so does patchouli, and I’m more than willing to destroy the planet out of spite. Every time I see Al Gore I get closer and closer to writing in Dick Cheney for President in ’08. I don’t know much about his politics but he’s from Nebraska, so how bad can he be? Warren Buffett, Bob Gibson, and Johnny Carson are all from Nebraska. I’m pro-conservation, but for my own cheap and lazy bastard reasons. I use a tank of gasoline once every 40 to 50 days. I drink water out of two plastic cups, one I got in 1994, the other I got in 1995. I use one coffee mug that I may or may not wash. I’m not opposed to left leaning politics; I grew up in a house full of them. But if we’re going to go left then let’s go left. Let’s go Lenin left, let’s go Mao left, let’s go Guevara left, let’s go Sandy Freakin’ Koufax left (the greatest lefty in the history of baseball, and I do not want to hear anything about Warren Spahn). Otherwise, shut your mouth and get back to me when you grow a set. I have a huge problem with political groups/zealots that try to tell me that they invariably have a better understanding of what’s going on than I do: both sides of the abortion issue, both sides of the gun issue, evangelical Christians, Islamists, environmentalists, newspaper columnists without a sense of humor, and sports talk radio hosts. Maybe I should stop reading the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal, and just get my news from John Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
Diane Rehm for President
2 comments:
Diane Rehm is the bomb! She can play devil's advocate so well it's almost impossible to tell where her heart lies on an issue.
I, too, am tired of being made to feel guilty that I haven't yet traded in both cars for hybrids (they're not warranteed beyond 100K miles you know) and that my big old carbon footprint is killing the earth. Yes, I fly 3-4 times a week and that jet fuel is killing our environment, but the plane would be up there with or without me. And why should I stay awake at night when the execs that are drilling the hell out of nature sleep well in their personal jets?
You had me until the Dick Cheney thing, though. The man is the human equivalent of stepping into a pile off the curb. It stinks. It's stuck with you for the long haul and you never asked for it.
Throw away your newspapers, turn off the scream radio, and say no to CNN and Fox... Jon Stewart and Stephen Cobert are all you need. Night after night, they put into words exactly what most Americans are thinking; Is this what John Adams had in mind?
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