Update: I Should Eat More Fiber Because This Is Painful

Expectant mothers with big busy body families? I’m trying to figure out exactly who would need Twitter because I want to convince myself that it’s not a sign of the Apocalypse. For those that don’t know, Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?. That’s from their web page. What a total, complete, absolute, all encompassing waste of time. I’m wasting time right now. My ramblings do not meet the minimum requirements to qualify as a constructive use of time. At best my blogging is mental exercise. I usually think when I do these things. At worst it’s a psychological profile that will be used at trial. However, it is not in the same realm of the putrid narcissism of Twitter. Why would anyone want a play-by-play account of the boring lives of 99.9999999% of us? Most of the status updates on Facebook are annoying me now, “It’s Monday and I’m at work!!!” is not an update anyone is interested in, except from my one friend who just got a new job after a long search. How is an entire website dedicated to that and nothing else? People that go on Jerry Springer should have Twitter accounts. I would love to know how they get to that point in their lives. The mom that just had eight babies even though she’s living on student loans should have Twitter. Basically, Twitter is good for the functionally retarded, so society at large will have a chance to stop some stupid decisions.

Plaxico’s Twitter: I’m looking for my gun so I can stick it in my pants and go have some fun.

Plaxico’s Wife's Twitter: Sweetie, I got rid of all the guns because we’re millionaires and have adequate police protection in our neighborhood. Not to mention that you’re stupid, and stupid people should never be armed. ILY.

Sure, why not?

What the f**k? The Catholic Church is pimping plenary indulgences, again. Isn’t this what got you folks in trouble 500 years ago with some overzealous Germans? Is “overzealous Germans” redundant? Was W right, is the Apocalypse upon us? Did he usher in the end of days? I ask because people are losing their freaking minds – Stephen Wise. I’m not Catholic. This doesn’t affect me, but I’m baffled that highly educated, politically astute men of the Catholic episcopate came to a consensus that this was a good idea. Even the Republican Party figured out that you can’t continually turn inward and expect to survive. Martin Luther’s idea that the Church shouldn’t be dealing with sin on a cash and carry basis caught on a while ago. Didn’t the rampant violence tip the Church off that something was amiss – possibly, maybe, perhaps? Two lessons should be learned from the response to Luther’s theses: first, be careful what you write down, and second, to paraphrase Princess Leia, the more you tighten your fist, the more parishes will slip through your fingers. In a world more cynical than ever, made even more so by the global recession, the literal powers that be decided to start selling granting plenary indulgences in an effort to make what was old new again. Are there bishops somewhere in a dark dungeon in the Vatican trying to get Galileo re-excommunicated? This is kind of like Coca Cola reintroducing cocaine into the mix. F**K WIT DAT RED BULL! PUNK ASS DIET PEPSI MAX BITCHES. CHECK OUT THE NEW PROPRIETARY BLEND. WHAT WAS OLD IS NOW BRAND NEW AGAIN. IT DOES RHYME! SHUT UP!! I WILL KILL YOU!! It seems like a good idea in a vacuum or if the only bad ideas are the ones not voiced, but in the real world it’s not going to sell, and people are going to not only think you’re out of touch, but that you’re crazy.

8579

SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIEEEEE!!! STOCK UP ON CANNED GOODS!!! KATIE BAR THE DOOR!!!

At least now I have something to complain about to my grand kids.

Come 'ere son and sit down while Grampa tells ya about what it was like back in aught eight. I was a strapping young lad of 2 score minus 3 when the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted to 8579. We thought it was the end of the world, and if George W. Bush and the rest of the evangeli-faciscts of the day had it their way it woulda been. But thanks to a mulatto, half-muslim, half racist, inexperienced, angry, black elitest, socialist with ties to domestic terrorists and brie eating, chardonnay drinking, East Coast, limousine liberals everything turned out alright. No son, it wasn't Tiger Woods