Jerking Tears

My baby has turned me into Brett Dennen, into the sensitive Brendan Fraser from Bedazzled. Until she came along I fancied myself a dyed in the wool killer, a cold hearted assassin. But now I well up listening to “No Woman, No Cry” while trying to calm her down. I’m choking back tears every time I see the Volvo commercial with the little girl explaining stuff to her dad. MJ challenged me to read How Much do I Love You to her without crying. I made it through, but just barely. Basically, if it involves fathers and daughters, and glances in poignant’s direction I need a Kleenex. I figured fatherhood would affect me like this, but it’s like getting hit by a big wave. Even though you know it’s coming, it still bowls you over like the force of nature that it is. What I didn’t expect was the transcendent calm I feel whenever I touch her. I thought I was supposed to make her feel like everything will be alright – which I do – not the other way around. She’s taken an edge off of me, which is the exact opposite reaction I thought I would have. I thought I would be the lion spotting the hyena on the horizon, and wishing someone would. She’s turned me into an adult. There is now someone in the world more important than me, and that’s not a conscious feeling. It’s just the way it is. I get up in the middle of the night to change her diaper not because I’m supposed to but because what else would I do. I settle her down better than anyone else – with the possible exception of her mom’s boobs. I love that her favorite place to be is asleep on my chest. I love that she takes monster truck-driver 5 octave dumps, and she tricks me into wasting a diaper at least once a day by waiting until the new one is on to finish her cycle of elimination. I’m savoring everyday. I’m no longer wishing it was tomorrow so I could be finished with something. Her mom wants her to stay a newborn forever. I’m looking forward to every stage of her growth. I’m looking forward to telling her barbershop lies. I’m looking forward to when she thinks she has a bead on what’s real and what’s television, and then taking her to the Magic Kingdom – Disney World to the uninitiated – just to let her know that her bead isn’t quite that tight. I’m looking forward to her first competitive success as well as her first competitive failure. Will I be able to keep it together at least as long as she does? I’m looking forward to her breaking my heart by not needing me anymore. She’s brought MJ and me closer than we’ve ever been which I didn’t think was possible. We’ve always been a self-contained unit, but becoming a father has made me a better husband. These past thirteen days have been the most wonderful of my life. I’ve experienced more joy than anyone deserves in a lifetime. It’s not going to stop me from complaining though. Yeah I’ve got a loaf of bread to go with my ham now, but it’s pumpernickel and I was hoping for rye.