I Apologize. I Read The New York Times

It's around 10:20 and I was struggling for a topic so I cracked open the Gray Lady. Well, I didn't actually open the newspaper. I went to its website. I read the Times -- and the Washington Post -- because the local fishwrap is borderline unreadable. I don't particularly like the Times but at least it's written by professional writers. After tonight's perusal I've come up with an idea for when a president is sworn into office. Since every one of the G.O.P. candidates is such a hardcore badass(sarcasm laid on as thickly as possible), and since each of the Democratic candidates makes me violently angry, I think the new POTUS should be smacked in the face with a 2x4. I don't mean ceremonially, even though it will be a ceremony, I mean blasted in the grill with a big piece of hardwood. If you want to be president you're going to have to ante up some blood. How else are we supposed to know if a candidate is serious if we don't know whether or not they're willing to get some of their own blood in the game. I think everyone but Hillary and McCain would drop out toot sweet, and that's really the point. We need to weed out the suckers. There's a broken nose minimum. A broken nose isn't that big of a sacrifice to be leader of the free world. Right now I don't know who I could trust to do it correctly other than me. Oh sweet Baby Jesus would I hack. I'd be like Reggie Jackson in prime time. I'd try to blast that fool's teeth through the back of his/her head. If the President dies, the VP is next. It's not like I'm uncivilized, if Nancy Pelosi or someone else in the line of succession doesn't want the free rhinoplasty she can tap out and we keep moving. I'm sure I'll get tired somewhere around the Secretary of Agriculture. God bless America.