Stuff I Didn't Know

I found out this week that professional baseball players are on steroids and the internet has lead to increased viewing of pornography. Did you guys know any of this? I didn’t have a clue. The next thing you know we’ll find out that professional wrestling is staged, and potheads like hacky-sacks. How do these ridiculous studies get funded? When a thirty-seven year old man’s head grows a full hat size, he’s on something. How do people not know this stuff? The porn study also found out that men download filth more often than women. Really, men like porn more than women? Do we also like sports with balls more than women? Maybe I can get a grant to study whether men or women are more likely to pick up street hookers. I remember thinking the kids from either Harvard or Yale that had the cojones (pronounced like an assistant Jones) to ask for a grant to find out which American university was the biggest party school. I get worked up about this stuff because there are hungry children, uncured diseases, and war. When those three things get taken care of -- all of them – then I will be more receptive to studying whether or not African-Americans have a heightened affinity for poultry, and if we do is frying our favorite preparation. When Ronald McDonald house closes because they don’t have any work we can find out whether it’s possible to go back once you’ve gone Black. When there is world peace I’ll be more than happy to study whether or not the sun rises in the east and sets in the west everyday or just most days. I think it would be best if I was on an island near the equator with someone to bring me drinks with rum in them – a relaxed scientist is a good scientist. I would take some sun screen, but if I’m doing this study then cancer is a thing of the past. Don’t we all hope that I get to do this study?