I Shouldn't Have Written This and You Shouldn't Read It

I was going to post about my trip to Disneyworld, but I saw a thread on my MMA forum titled: Do You Think You Can Take a Chimp? As of this writing there were 285 responses. There are two basic arguments. The first is that humans are smarter and bigger than chimps, and with the posters’ martial arts training the chimp has no chance. The other argument, and my school of thought, is that chimps are made of equal parts evil and hatred, and they are proportionally much stronger than humans, not to mention that the very existence of this thread negates the premise that humans are smarter than chimps. As a note of clarification, I am talking about the chimpanzee and not the smaller more docile bonobo. In my own defense I didn’t read past the first page of the thread, and I didn’t respond – I didn’t need to. However, while this topic is funny it’s also something every guy everywhere thinks about every time he goes to the zoo or sees a chimp on television. Unless, and until, he sees a chimp special on the Discovery channel. Any special will do because they’re all the same. The females take care of the babies and interact with each other in a way that is disturbingly close to a sewing circle. The males spend their time grooming each other, and stalking, chasing, and butchering monkeys when they’re hungry. They also tear other chimps who wander into their territory to pieces. Chimp life is basically Braveheart without the kilts and brogues. Even if someone could match a chimp’s brutality, which he couldn’t, his martial arts training would be useless. Martial arts are designed to work against the human body and how it moves. Chimps are shaped differently. Their center of gravity is different, and the nature of their agility is different. And even if none of this was a factor I HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THEIR HUGE SHARP TEETH! There was a story about a chimp trainer in England who didn’t lock a cage, and his chimps that he raised from birth ate his face and genitals. He died. Don’t f**k with a chimp. They’re Hannibal Lecter minus the Chianti.