No Lifty, No Nicey

My lovely assistant, MJ, helped me figure out why Facebook has been annoying me so much since the change. It’s that the real time updates cause a lack of variety so I’m overdosing on the twitterers.

Twitterer: “Taking the fam to 5 Guys Burgers and Fries”.
Commenter 1: Oh my God!!! I love that place so much!!
Commenter 2: Soooooo jealous.
LJ: IT’S A GODDAMN CHAIN BURGER JOINT!!! STFU.


I delete this comment before posting it, although it’s getting closer and closer. As a forward thinker, I have come to the conclusion that a drastic overreaction isn’t a disincentive to drastic overreactions, but fighting fire with fire is getting more and more tempting. What’s so exciting about going to a burger stand? How the f**k is that news? If you’re sooooo jealous of the burger this guy is going to get then go get one yourself. It’s a national chain. There are twelve of them in metro Jax. It’s physically impossible for you to be more than ten minutes away from at least one of them. What’s going to happen if he takes his girls someplace that’s actually special, like the Russian Tea Room or Fuddruckers? Are his commenters going to need a cigarette after reading the update? This may push me off Facebook. I can’t take the dumbsh*t. I have a friend that gives stupid fake updates, but at least they’re funny. The overload of stupidity is making me question exactly how these people live. How boring must someone’s day be when someone else taking his daughters to get a fast food burger – not even ice cream – causes a spell of the vapors? And remember, I sell life insurance door-to-door and no one in the history of the world has loved burgers more than me. I’m going to try to settle down now, so we won’t be getting into people pushing political agendas via Facebook update.