I'm Still Bored

I’m thinking about buying a new amplifier for my guitar, but as with all things technical, I’m stuck between wanting something really cool and paying for it. On the one hand all I need is a small practice amp. The new ones have a bunch of bells and whistles, and the best part about the practice amp is that the top of the line is only a couple hundred dollars. On the other hand there’s METAL, and if I’m going to bang out some serious heavy metal, I’m going to need a big amp – a stack. I can’t conjure up the damned without a lot of volume. I believe that if your nose isn’t bleeding then the music isn’t loud enough. The downside is that I could be out a couple grand before I get the specially made strings so I can tune down to the low C. We won’t get into the confrontations with the neighbors, the police, or my wife, and it’s not like I’m Yngwie Malmsteen – Yngwie J. Malmsteen. I think it’s funny that he feels he needs his middle initial out there. I guess he doesn’t want to get confused with the other Yngwies. I also think it’s funny that he hasn’t worn pants made out of cloth since 1983.


What happens if you give an elephant LSD? A couple of a-holes answered this question in 1962. They were scientists until they pulled the trigger on the dart gun. There are no stupid questions, but there are stupid experiments and this was one. I’m not a mathematician but I’m going to estimate the chances of something good happening when you shoot up an elephant with a bunch of acid at zero. Did these guys think they’d get hippie elephants? A bull elephant trippin’ balls, what could possibly go wrong? It ran around for a bit and then died. The a-holes published their findings, concluding that elephants are extremely sensitive to LSD. Of course the public was not pleased, and the a-holes used the “How were we supposed to know?” defense. They had both taken the drug and neither of them had died. Ever the optimist, one of the a-holes figured that if a large heard of elephants needed to be destroyed quickly, at least they found out LSD was an option. So the experiment wasn’t a total loss.