How Is This a Topic for Television? (EG, Skip This One, Really)

I did my shoulders today and blah blah blah. Cardio blah blah blah. I ate right blah blah blah. Oprah had Dr. Laura Berman on her show today to explain why it’s important to teach our daughters how to rub one out. She made some succinct, lucid points based in biology, psychology, and plain old common sense. She even recommended what used to be politely referred to as “neck massagers”. I bet if Dr. Berman doesn’t have a deal with Water Pic, she will soon. Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about this conversation for a while, and by “we” I mean MJ. This is not a conversation I will be having with LMJ or any other potential daughter. I’ll talk x’s and o’s – zygotes, mitosis, meiosis, fertilization etc., but “being her own best friend” is not a dad conversation topic, at least not this dad. You can go ahead and carve that in stone and gild it. MJ might weigh a buck twenty five soaking wet holding a brick. Unless I am a quadriplegic, she can’t physically get me into that room, let alone stop me from blowing my brains out. If we have a son, I’ll have that conversation, not that I'll need to. The hardest most difficult part of that will be getting him not to do it - at the dinner table, or in public. If I’m forced to talk about sex in anything other than a clinical fashion with LMJ there will be talk of evil. There will be high definition 3D video in Dolby Surround Sound of difficult births and afterbirths, of Cesarian sections. Episiotomies will be shown. I will tell my baby girl that if God wanted her to have sex while her father was still alive, he would have killed me a long time ago. Think about it. Strategically and tactically I understand where Dr. Berman is coming from (no pun intended), but that’s all abstract. Her main point was that if pubescent girls are TCB’n at home, then they won’t feel need to let a pimply faced chimp in a Flo Rida t-shirt try. In practice, in reality some things are just too creepy to talk about. I have to go watch demolition derby or something.