IT'S GREAT TO BE A FLORIDA GATOR

As I was reading the paper this morning and enjoying my cheese toast, MJ read me a headline from the Times-Union, “Handcuffed Runaway Tries to Drown Police Dog”. Yeah, it grabbed my attention too. A suspect slipped off one of his handcuffs, overpowered his female police captor, evaded helicopters, and waded out into a lake. Being the world class law enforcement organization that they are – or at least big Rin Tin Tin fans – they sent a dog into the water after him. Dogs aren’t dolphins. They dog paddle. They swim well enough not to drown if they fall out of a boat. Some swim well enough to fetch a ball, but perps aren’t balls. Was the dispatch sergeant a cat? That’s the most reasonable explanation I can come up with for how a dog was sent into the water after a guy who’d already kicked a human cop in the chest. They caught the wannabe Mike Vick in the lake later with a marine patrol, but that doesn’t answer the question of why a dog was sent in the first place. Maybe they don’t have an animal marine unit – or would it be a marine animal unit? If they get one, they need to start with alligators – American crocodiles, more precisely. Alligators are lazy and basically wait for food to crawl into their mouths. American crocs hunt. This makes sense for a whole bunch of reasons. First, they’re naturally bullet proof. You have to shoot a gator with something bigger than a .38 if you even want to get its attention. Second, they have 60+ year life expectancies. You won’t have to replace them all the time. Third, they’re endangered so if we start farm raising them it will be good for conservation. Fourth, while they can and will eat almost anything, they can go a full two years without eating. These things have been in their present state for more than 300 million years. They were here 150 million years before the dinosaurs. They’re built to last. They’re low maintenance. Fifth, they could be named after Florida Gator greats: Steve Spurrier, Wilbur Marshall, Emmitt Smith, Danny Weurful, Tim Tebow. Finally, there’s the fear factor. My uncle, who was a cop, used to show up to crime scenes and sit in his car while his officers questioned people. There was a rule: if the sergeant gets out of the car, somebody has to go to jail. The gator rule would be the opposite: if the gator gets in the water, NOBODY goes to jail. That’s not only environmentally friendly – nothing goes to waste – it’s also fiscally responsible. Guess who doesn’t have to feed, clothe, and house a convict. Go Gators.