I'll Be Right There!

Cough, cough, water? Ice? That’s what I hear when LMJ wants some water, and she always wants ice in it. She usually waits for me to sit down or start doing something else when she is overcome with thirst. She’s not even two yet and she’s already a drama queen. She and her mother are becoming quite the tag team. I wish I knew how to move up the social ladder in my own house, but we seem to be on some type of caste system and I’m stuck. Oh well, maybe in another life. I don’t mind the servitude caste, but I don’t see how it can lead to anything other than my premature death. LMJ understands that certain jobs are mine, and she thinks it’s her responsibility to make sure I get those jobs done. She takes off her diaper as she’s getting ready for her bath, comes and finds me, puts it in my hand, and waits for me to correctly dispose of it. If I’m busy doing something important, like commenting on why Brock Lesnar is a legitimate UFC champion despite his professional wrestling roots, she will interrupt me and lead me by the hand to the trash can like I'm stupid. I’ve been here damn near twenty years. How in the name of all that’s holy did she get promoted to supervisor before me? She’s two. What’s it going to be like when she’s four, eight, sixteen? When she’s sixteen I’m going to be fifty-two. More importantly her mom is going to be fifty-seven. They are both going to become more demanding as we all get older. What if we have another girl? Then there will be three of them. The only hope that I have is to divide and conquer. If I can get them competing with each other for my limited attention, then maybe they’ll both get sick of my incompetence and let me get back to my beer drinking and television watching. Bill Cosby advanced this theory about thirty years ago. I don’t know how it worked out for him, but I know that my dad, who was in a similar situation as me, just calls that wishful thinking. I should probably accept my lot and be happy to make them happy. What if we get a cat? I have to take some pills now.