Let My People Go!

JG asked me to come up with some ideas for some animatronics for some Jewish holidays. First of all, I want to know why there isn’t a Passover amusement park. That’s the holiday I’d start with. I’d build an Egyptian village in the front yard with Egyptians and their doomed first born sons made out of sugar or something that will melt under water on one side and the water proof Hebrews on the other. When the sun goes down we turn on the sprinklers – aka the angel of death - and pipe in Nancy Kerrigan screaming “Whyyyyyy!!!!” from when Jeff Gilooly clubbed her in her knee and Metallica’s song Creeping Death as the Egyptian first borns melt. I can’t decide whether to leave the vocals in for the Metallica song. On the one hand the song tells the story of Passover. On the other it will clash with Nancy’s lamentations. I also can’t decide if animatronic Moses should be modeled after me or animatronic Ramses. On the one hand Moses is a much more significant religious and historic figure. On the other hand Ramses has an entire condom company named after him. What’s the hieroglyph for “ribbed for her pleasure”? I’ll split the difference and have them both modeled after me. Ramses will be bald and clean shaven like Yul Brynner. Moses will have Chuck Heston post burning bush hair and beard. We’re also going to have a game show based on the Four Questions. A rabbi will randomly select a number of Jewish families who will compete to see who can run through The Four Questions correctly the quickest. The third thing I’ve come up with for Passover is a tie in with the Publishers’ Clearing House Sweepstakes. Ed McMahon does his thing, but instead of showing up as himself in a suit, I’m going to make him grow a beard and show up as Elijah the Prophet. Passover is easiest because they made a movie about it. The other Jewish holidays are hard because most of them have to do with fasting, and that’s not fun. I have a couple of ideas for Hanukkah but their militant and involve Israeli commandos, but this is fun and I’m going to have to come back to it. Mazeltov!