Four Cheez Whiz Wit! (saving the H for Scrabble)

Maybe it’s because I’m hungry and don’t like mushrooms, but it really bothers me that restaurants completely ignore the basic recipe for a Philly cheesesteak. I was emailed a copy of the new menu for the diner in the lobby. I don’t eat there because it’s a shorter walk to flush my money directly down the toilet. They list their version as new and improved (really?) with Swiss cheese and mushrooms. This got me thinking about cheesesteaks and how everyone outside of Philadelphia seems to do them wrong for no good reason. Swiss cheese and mushrooms don’t go on a basic cheesesteak sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, anyone may put anything they want between two pieces of bread, but I thought following some basic rules is what separates civilization from barbarism. There are two accepted original sources for the cheesesteak: Pat’s and Geno’s. They differ on how the beef is cut, either chopped or thinly sliced, and they differ on whether “wit” or “with” is the shibboleth that will get you onions on your sandwich. Everything else is pretty much the same, including the cheese: old school is provolone, new school is Cheez Whiz. American cheese is acceptable because this is America, but Swiss isn’t on the list. John Kerry ordered Swiss cheese on his cheesesteak while running for President, and was told that represented an alternative lifestyle in Philadelphia. Guess who didn't get elected President. Why doesn’t anyone outside of the City of Brotherly Shove offer Cheez Whiz as an option when it should be standard to begin with? I’ve never eaten at a Philly Connection because the pasty orange goodness isn’t on the menu. I know there isn’t a patent issue because both Pat’s and Geno’s use it. It can’t be for health reasons. It’s a steak sandwich for crying out loud. My cholesterol jumped ten points just by writing this. Your cholesterol jumped five just by reading it. Why are restaurants afraid to go all in? Maybe it’s time to open a sandwich shop.