Doing Dumb S**t

I’m at a strange point. I’m going to do something really stupid in the next month or so and there’s really nothing I can do about it. It’s part of some weird biorhythm or life cycle. Everybody goes through them, or at least men do. I have a buddy whose wife went out of town and he decided that tequila was a good idea. It wasn’t. He woke up the next Saturday morning with a hangover that felt like he’d been kicked in the head by a burro. He knew it was a bad idea going in, but he was helpless. He was at the mercy of his testosterone fueled stupidity, which is the most common form of stupidity among men and boys – fun fact. This is where I am right now. Yesterday I discovered 40ozMaltLiquour.com, the greatest thing in the history of the interwebs. Nothing good can come of this. There is no chance this will end well. At some point over the next six to eight weeks I’m going to walk into a convenience store – because Publix doesn’t sell it – and buy a quart of malt liquor, most likely St. Ides. I threw grew up on it. My stomach is upset just thinking about it. It’s so bad. There are strong beers that are technically malt liquors that are very good. Fin du Monde is something like 12% alcohol but it was made with love. St. Ides is ghetto swill, but that’s probably why it’s been 99¢ a forty for more than twenty years. The last time this happened I chickened out came to my senses and didn’t drink it. It sat in the back of my fridge for about five years. I think the only reason it isn’t still there is because we got a new fridge. I can still smell it from when I poured it down the sink. But as I sit here with vomit and diarrhea echoes, I’m thinking yep, might as well get it over with. Sometimes it’s hard being a guy.