I Love The Smell of Bert's Bees in The Morning; It Smells Like Early Middle Age.

I remember when Dennis Miller had one of his political shows on one of the NBC’s or Fox News, and he mentioned that one thing he liked about Dick Cheney was that Cheney “croaked bad guys”. No he didn’t. Army Rangers croak bad guys. Navy Seals croak bad guys. Dick Cheney took draft deferments then made stuff up to start wars and get his friends rich. The point is Cheney was never a real badass. Miller’s comment offended me. If I had been in any kind of Special Forces it would have disgusted me, which brings me to a series of Facebook status updates I’ve read over the past few days. Bragging about how much beer you’re drinking – especially if the number is three - when you’re a thirty-seven year old mother on your way to see Dave Matthews Band on Facebook like you’re a Hell’s Angel at Altamont disgusts me. You’re not cool. Dave Matthews isn’t cool. He’s neat. There are going to be a whole bunch of thirty-seven year old mothers who dragged their husbands in the crowd, and they won’t even be the La Leche crew. They’re going to be the J. Crew. You’re not going to see Slayer. You’re not going to see The Grateful Dead. You’re not even going to see Bruce Springsteen. You’re going to see a very nice boy play some very nice songs. Stop putting on airs about what you are. If I have accepted the fact that I’m a dad, then you should accept that you’re a mom. I got a preferred rating on my life insurance. That’s thirty-eight year old dad cool. I got twenty-four miles to the gallon on my last tank of gas in a Honda Accord. That’s thirty-eight year old dad cool. I took my baby girl to Disney World for the first time. That’s thirty-eight year old dad cool. At one point in my life I was a rock star. I’ve bought beer at 5:30 in the morning 300 miles from where I started, pissed that the sun was coming up, and even more pissed that McDonalds wasn’t open yet. If I did that now I’d think about a twelve step program. I definitely wouldn’t brag about it on Facebook.