Sexy Motherpucker

I saw this in Target this morning and had a couple of thoughts. As a proud father of a far into the future but not really that far into the future teenage daughter I laughed at first and then I asked a Targeter, or whatever Target employees call themselves, where I could find some chains and padlocks so I could chain all the exits shut and set the building on fire. I’m having a really weird experience with this. I laugh every time I think about “Sexy Motherpucker” because dirty puns are funny, but then I’m immediately haunted by thoughts of my daughter and sympathy for dads of current teenaged girls. If the makers of this lip balm were rounded up and tortured to death with pears of anguish I’d have a hard time finding the perpetrators guilty. When and if the victims distant relatives – because all relations up to and including first cousins once removed would have been murdered – asked me how I could have found the defendants not guilty I would answer them with a question of my own, which people really enjoy, “They named their cheap knockoff wannabe Chapstick something I don’t think would get past the Cinemax censors as a movie title and marketed it to teenage girls. What did they think was going to happen?” Just because people don’t anticipate a drastic overreaction doesn’t mean that one won’t happen. It also doesn’t mean that drastic overreactions are wrong by default. Overreaction just illustrates a certain point of view, especially when it comes to loving fathers and their daughters. Right now I’m trying to think of an atrocity that I wouldn’t commit to protect LMJ. Yep, that’s about it, the whole list. I think what offends me most is that I expected to have a few more years being a barking dog sitting on a porch. I didn’t think being a dad would start to trump being a dog this soon. She’s two. I thought I had eight more years before I was at DEFCON 1 about these kinds of things. Now I have to join the NRA to make sure you liberals don’t take away my God given right to rain down lead depleted uranium in a manner consistent with protecting my family and my peace of mind. God bless Samuel Colt.