In The Streets He's T-Twice. The Ladies Call Him T-Nice

It’s time for a heel turn in Gainesville. It’s time for Hulk Hogan to join the NWO. I want to see Tim Tebow knock over the Gatorade table after he’s pulled in the third quarter against Charleston Southern, and when he’s asked about it after the game I want to hear him say, “I’m tryin’ ta win a Heisman up in this bitch, and Urban straight hatin’!” Better yet, I want to hear his new spiritual advisor Kevin Federline say it. Instead of Philippians 4:13 spelled out on his eye black, I want to see it spelled out in diamonds on his Paul Wall custom grill. I want him to get a huge tattoo on his back that reads “Only God Can Judge Me” above a giant crucifix. I want to see Tebow scramble for a first down on third and long against Tennessee that ices the game for the Gators, and cold cock Lane Kiffin, a reverse Woody Hayes. I want to see Tebow stand up at the press conference after he posts bail wearing a t-shirt with “Snitches Get Stitches” written on the front, take it off, turn around, and show his back tattoo. I want Jessica Simpson to become a Gator fan all of a sudden, and right before the SEC Championship game announce that she’s pregnant with Tebow’s baby. I want to see a strangely shaken Erin Andrews ask Tim about it, and he’ll produce a medical record of his vasectomy performed in the Philippines three years ago. The cameras will go back to the ESPN studios with a strangely angry Bonnie Bernstein filling in for Chris Fowler. The college football season will end with the undefeated Florida State Seminoles beating Southern Cal for the BCS Championship, and Bobby Bowden riding off into the sunset with a third title. Unfortunately, I think that last sentence might be the most ridiculous thing in this piece.