I just got back from a short run and boy are my legs tired. That’s not really a joke is it? I didn’t take my tunes because of the earphone issue, so I had about a half an hour to just let my mind wander. I love sinking into my thoughts. I wanted to reflect for a moment on the year, but I had been listening to sports talk radio during a botched trip to the gym, and I had to fume.
I went to the Y to swim and do some cardio afterwards, but as I was walking in with a bunch of other people at 11:20 the counter chick shouted that the pool was closing at noon and the whole gym was closing at 1pm. I thought about it for a second, turned around and went home listening to why Mike Leach should have been fired because he's worse than Hitler and why Mike Leach being fired is the worst thing since Eve screwed up everything for everyone in the Garden of Eden. It could have been worse. I could have been reading the newspaper.
I read a column by Paul Krugman a few days ago that really disturbed me because it summed up exactly how I felt about not just this year but the whole decade. Basically, the last ten years have been a giant waste of time for everyone. There have been a bunch of fireworks and special effects, but at the end of 2009 we’re in the same spot we were in 1999, which when adjusted for inflation is backwards. I don’t care about the rich getting richer or the poor getting poorer. That’s the way things go until there’s a revolution, but I do care about the United States of America not doing anything or making anything any more. Everything is about sticking your hand in the next guy’s pocket, and I hate that I’m part of the stagnation.
I feel that I’ve been running in place for ten years. I was lost when I got out of college and I’m lost now. If anything that happened in 2009 was positive, it was that I think I’ve hit rock bottom. I started the year trying to love my job, which I never should have done. I hate my job. I hate everything about it. It’s a chore for me to go into my office every day. Unfortunately, I spent a large portion of my life thinking money was a goal in and of itself. Not for me. I wish I had realized this when I was choosing a major.
I wish I had started writing a long time ago. I wouldn’t have wanted to major in English or Journalism, the first is too much reading boring stuff, the second I don’t really respect (see Faulkner, William and Gianolous, Deborah). But I do love the creative outlet writing affords me. Storytelling – of one kind or another – is the only thing I’ve ever been good at artistically. I know I took years off my high school art teacher’s life.
It’s funny that this ridiculous blogging every day for a year thing may have kept me sane. It was a lark, at least for the first month, but then it became a bit of a challenge and something I looked forward to. Having to find something to write about every day changed how I saw the days. It motivated me to do a bunch of stuff that I probably wouldn’t have done. Searching previous posts for examples isn’t one of those things.
It has motivated me to continue to write and post everyday, if only for the self discipline. It, along with my wife, has also motivated me to start writing a book. I don’t know if it will be a Young Adult Lit novel or a Crime novel or a bunch of bitter essays about my experiences growing up in this cesspool of aggressive stupidity that I’ve come to love as my home.
I don’t know of any writers – good, bad, or Dan Brown – who hate what they do. I also don’t know of anyone involved in financial services that doesn’t spend a large portion of their time lying to themselves about loving what they do.
I have to start doing what gives me some kind of mental reward. I’m not quitting my job (yet) but 2009 has allowed me to see that I can push it WAY down the list of important things in my life.
2009 was the worst year of a decade that sucked for me, but everyday I wake up next to a wonderful wife that I don’t deserve and the most beautiful baby girl in the history of baby girls. I live in beach town and spend an inordinate amount of time actually on the beach. I’m surrounded by smart and funny friends and family. If this is as bad as it gets, I think I can deal with it. My only New Year’s resolutions are to get in the pool tomorrow morning before it closes at noon and to not gorge myself on ravioli at Magianno’s. The pool thing is going to be easier than the ravioli thing.
I almost forgot: YO ADRIAN!?! I DID IT!
4 comments:
You need to add a new check box: Cried.
I hope next year is better. I love to read what you write and I hope you find happiness (and enough money to eat) doing what you love.
I agree with the assessment of the aughts. Kinda sucky. Your writing is one of the highlights of my day... and I do appreciate the struggle of getting words out every day. Thanks for that.
One of the most difficult parts of adult life is the balancing of what we have to do (for money) and what we want to do. Knowing what you want is half the battle.
BTW: Baby girl tied for first place with the former baby girl living in my house and give up on the Ravioli resolution.
Congratulations on finishing such a huge undrtaking. Your blog has be most entertaining. I like your mix of political outrage, social commentary and everyday observations.
Go write that book! I'm starting one, too.
And... don't eat anything else today. We've got a lot of eating to do at Maggianos tomorrow.
I've loved reading your thoughts over the past year--even the scary ones! You're too smart, too funny, and too kind not to be doing something you love. I hope in 2010, you find professional fulfillment. And Happy Birthday!
Post a Comment