Just Scratch The Check Tiger

I think the Tiger Woods saga is starting to wind down now that we’re running low on women he hasn’t cheated on his wife with – blondes anyway. I want to write about it because I think rampant stupidity by married men who can’t keep their junk under control is funny. I’m bummed because I never saw it coming. Mostly because I never gave Tiger Woods much thought, but I should have considered who he hangs out with, and how he comes across – when he comes across at all – as a hyper-competitive alpha male. His best friend and role model is Michael Jordan, who is just a bigger alpha-er male than Tiger. I don’t understand why these fools feel the need to get married, especially Tiger. MJ married his college sweetheart before he was Air. Tiger had been Tiger for almost a decade when another golfer introduced him to his nanny. What the hell does a dork that went to Stanford have in common with a Swedish nanny? I know she’s fine, but what does that have to do with marriage? Didn’t Tiger know who Tiger was? I bet he cheated on her at his bachelor party the day before he got married. Did he think he was going to stop when he said, “I do”? Why didn’t MJ school his boy on this? Juanita took MJ for more than $300 million. I’m sure the strippers and porn stars he was dealing with were “well trained in the Jedi arts” but $300 million? Why didn’t anyone in Tiger’s circle at least get him the complete series of The Wire? At least then he would have known not to leave his name on answering machines and to switch up cell phones. He should have been buying burners at the convenience store and dumping them as soon as they were out of minutes. There should have been at least three go-betweens between him and the hookers, and they should have been hookers not skanks looking to get famous. Tiger’s going to have to bite the bullet and divorce his Valkyrie wife. She’s violent and he’s addicted to diner waitresses. There is no way this ends well. A year from now she’ll be in a black Ford Bronco creeping down I-4 in a slow speed chase with the Florida State Troopers after she cuts off Tiger’s and his “massage therapist’s” heads. $80 million, I think that’s the new pre-nup number, is cheaper than being castrated with an electric carving knife.