Pre-Resolutions

The YMCA was more crowded this morning than I expected. I suppose a bunch of people had the same idea that I did of jumpstarting the New Year a week early. The pool was reserved for old people when I got there. I knew this would probably happen so I came prepared for some treadmill time. That didn’t really workout because I spent the weekend eating meatballs and drinking beer. Just one time I wish I could see the backside of my eating decisions before I make them. I was dragging. I wasn’t a quarter of a mile into my run before I tapped out. Alcohol, cholesterol, and no sleep worked twenty years ago as a lifestyle, not today. I’m about to be thrity-muthasqueezin-nine years old, and my body needs good nutrition. I hopped on the treadmill and did a half an hour. If I had done thirty-one minutes I would have puked on the television screen and crapped in my pants at the same time. But this is good. This is why I’m getting serious (again) a week early. Since I was performing like an old man I decided to act like an old man, and I spent forty-five minutes in the sauna. I might as well sweat as much beer and gravy out of my pores as possible. I would have stayed in another forty-five minutes but I was worried about my Shuffle and I didn’t bring my book so I was bored. It’s too hot to fall asleep in the sauna but it was beyond relaxing. I wasn’t the only one in the sauna trying to get right. There was a guy who had to be seventy-five who came in and started sweating out gin. I could smell it. This guy was strictly old school. He looked like he was doing better than I was, but I was encouraged that I couldn’t smell beer coming out of my pores. It meant that I hadn’t gone too far this weekend, and my body wasn’t used to bad nutrition. Either that or I’m a bitch and got clowned by a guy in his seventies with gray back hair.