So How Goes It, Governor?

It’s Friday so it’s date night for MJ and me – Starbucks to grade papers, who’s a rock star? We were getting in the car and MJ was telling me to hurry up when it hit me. I’m going to start using British idioms and expressions. I’m not going to speak with a British accent; I’m just going to use their words. It’s going to be like Kevin Costner playing Austin Powers. I told her to pipe down, I was putting her sack in the boot. Then I was stuck. I’ve never been to the scurvy ward at the hospital. I don’t know how those people talk. I know if someone’s “all sixes and sevens” it means that they’re crazy, and “apples and pears” are stairs, and chicks are “birds”. I’m going to have to update my Netflix queue (that’s one) and have a Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham weekend. Jason Statham is the balls. I’m not going to spell in British just because of the spell check nightmare, and I’m not going to use slang like “telly” for television because Madonna ruined it, but I am going to start saying “flat” instead of apartment and “stalk” instead of hunt (check the riders in the new credit card laws). “Strangle” is going to replace choke when I’m talking about “Jujutsu” instead of “Jiu-jitsu”. I’m going to pronounce the “h” in herb (Eddie Izzard joke) and the “t” in filet. “Aluminium” is out, “geezer” is absolutely in. I feel “bloke” is more Australian than British these days, and its use would negate this premise. As I flesh this out, it’s becoming clear that this is completely arbitrary, which I don’t think is going to matter because I doubt I’ll make it through the night before MJ makes me stop. She can get all sixes and sevens that bird can. Too right. I wouldn’t want to find myself taking an involuntary tumble down the apples and pairs. Then we’d all be in Barney.