Weird Stuff on The Net

Today didn’t go as planned. I had stuff scheduled throughout, but the first thing got screwed up and it threw everything else off. I dropped the Odyssey off at the dealer this morning at 8am, but they had to get the guy that sold us the van to sign off on giving me a loaner car. He didn’t get to work until 9am. The day was down the toilet. I went to the gym, but felt a twinge in my leg so I quit. I’m not as stupid as I seem, and I’m not as stupid as I used to be. However, with a screwed up schedule and a workout cut short, I don’t have anything to write about. Therefore I will write about stuff I saw on the internet today. Random question: does anyone still call it the World Wide Web? The first thing that caught my interest today wasn’t even on the web. It was on television. I was sitting in the Duval Ford waiting pen watching the CBS morning show, and noticed that the crew was really, really White. Whatever culture their people came from has been wiped from their DNA, and I don’t mean when they’re reading copy. It was also when they had their between segment banter. I was just thinking how exhausting it must be to force yourself to speak in non-regional, every sound stressed, diction for any length of time. “I’m going to go to Publix and get some things for dinner” is something I do everyday but I’ve never once said in my life. It’s always “Ima go to Publix n’get some stuff fer dinner”. The first interesting thing I saw on the internet was a list of the five most baffling sex scenes in the history of fan fiction. I won’t go into what I read. Suffice it to say I will be having night terrors every time I close my eyes for the rest of my life. They weren’t explicit. They were creepy, and written by people with serious psychological problems. I cleansed my pallet with “Dork in capris vs. A carnival hammer. Who ya got?” While a guy hitting himself in the face with a hammer may be a tragedy, he went out in public wearing capris, and God was watching. This prepared me for the best thing I saw on the interweb all day long, and I will not be going into this either. This deserves it’s own post. I think it should be a meme: The Seven Most Horrific Places You’ve Had to Take A Dump. I don’t know if I should write this post now or wait until tomorrow.