Back When I Used To Be Heterosexual

I had a short correspondence with a knucklehead I went to high school and college with on Facebook – I’ll call him the Admiral. I recommended a mutual friend from our past to him – as Facebook suggested – but our friend had gotten married and changed her name in the nearly twenty years since we had all been together, as chicks will sometimes do. “Who the f**k is xxxx?” was the message awaiting me yesterday morning. I haven’t spoken to the Admiral since 1993, and this is how he greets me. What should I have expected? He’s a thirty-seven year old punk rocker. He hasn’t changed at all. One of the reasons we got along is because he’s even more caustic than I am. It’s also the reason I almost beat him to death on three different occasions. The Admiral has always believed that inhibitions were for the other guy. He was – probably still is – the “lets do some shots” guy at 4:30 in the morning. I remember having to pull one of his frat brothers off of him after this exchange on a Wednesday night.

The Admiral: Jager shots time.
Frat Brother: I can’t. I got my cost accounting* final tomorrow at 10.
The Admiral: It’s one shot. It’s not even hard liquor. Don’t be such a fa**ot.
Frat Brother: Look, I’m actually TRYING to graduate.
The Admiral: Whatever! take the penis out of your mouth so you can shoot some Jager with me.
Frat Brother: F**K YOU! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A DICK? I GOTTA GO!
The Admiral: Calm down, dude. You’ll feel better after you take the cock outta your butthole and hit this Jagermeister.

At this point the Frat Brother slams the Admiral to the ground, mounts him and rises up to start pummeling his skull. I pulled the frat brother off of the Admiral, calmed him down, and sent him home with his girlfriend. The Admiral was genuinely shocked and mildly offended that he had been physically assaulted. He asked, with zero irony, “What was HIS problem?” This is one of those moments that is chiseled into my brain by its surrealism. I also remember that the Admiral and I sat down at his kitchen counter/bar and finished that bottle of Jagermeister while comparing and contrasting the greatness of N.W.A and Metallica – on a Wednesday night. I guess that’s what you do when you’re the only two heterosexual men in Tallahassee. Hanging out with the Admiral today would cost me my marriage so it’s not even remotely close to being worth it, but it’s a lot closer than it should be.



*editor’s note: Cost Accounting is the accounting course that forces accounting majors out of accounting, and into Management. It’s a senior level course. It’s such a nightmare that it gets seniors to change their majors.