I'm Retarded and Don't Know How to Work the Scanner. Otherwise I'd Post Pictures

We were getting ready for tomorrow’s garage sale (please come overpay for our crap) when MJ found some old photos and we started reminiscing. They went way back. There was a picture of me holding Mr. Kitty and wearing a red bandana. MJ was shocked at how skinny I used to be. I was shocked that I thought wearing a red bandana made me look cool. I looked like a dork playing a pirate in a high school play, while holding a tuxedoed cat. I looked like I was the “tough” one in a boy band. Fortunately, there was only one photo of me in the bandana. Unfortunately there were a bunch of photos, which I had forgotten about, with me sporting a high top fade. That was the dumbest haircut ever, and I had one for almost four years. I paid the barber extra to do it. On the plus side for me, I never got the little dreads, but it was closer than I’d like to remember. The only reason I didn’t get some twists was because I saw The Last Boy Scout – great movie. The first Die Hard is the only thing Bruce Willis has done that’s better. I thought he and Damon Wayans were going to be the new Murphy and Nolte. Anyway, Damon Wayans has a shaved head with his football jersey number left on the back of his head in hair. That was what pushed me into getting my head shaved. That was the best hair decision I ever made, and not just because I avoided looking like some performance poet begging for a spot on Def Poetry Jam. That show would have been so much better if they had gotten rid of the wannabe Langston Hugheses and Maya Angelous and let Mos Def freestyle for thirty minutes every week. Shaving my head is cathartic. I don’t know why. I’ve kept my hair short for the last eighteen years. I wish I hadn’t looked up when The Last Boy Scout was released. I thought it had only been fourteen or fifteen years. Man, I’m old. But then I can’t believe the honeymoon photos that were in the bunch are seven years old. MJ thought about how different it was even then. We were looking at pictures from a disposable, under water camera that we had to drag to Target to get our pictures developed after we got back from the Caribbean. We had to wait more than a week from the time we took them to the time we could see them. Now it’s instantaneous and bad or unflattering pictures get deleted. Looking at our “bad” pictures today reminded me of how happy I’ve been for the past twenty years, but there’s still no excuse for a bandana or a fade.