The Stathe

MJ and CG went to see Up this afternoon while I watched the baby girl. MJ came back with a glowing review. Blah blah blah touching. Blah blah blah not a kids movie. Blah blah blah why can’t all movies be Pixar movies? Unfortunately, the movie failed my one basic movie test, is Jason Statham in it? No Stathe, no watch. Actually, this is more of a guideline than a rule, but it’s there none the less. I’m old and I don’t care anymore. I’m married so I don’t have to impress anyone anymore. Ergo if I’m going to pay money to see a movie then the Stathe better be in it. Jason Statham is basically a 21st century English Chuck Norris without the stupid political views or facial hair. What I like about his movies is that I know exactly what I’m getting: Cockney accent? Check. Black belt? Check. Hot chicks getting naked? Check. That’s worth my $9. Patton Oswalt put it best, “Statham will f**k an explosion while a Slayer song plays for my $9!” Exactly. As I think about it, he’s not like an English Chuck Norris. He’s like an English Sean Connery. It didn’t matter when Connery played a Russian captain with a Scottish accent, and it’s not going to matter when the Stathe plays Martin Luther King as if he grew up in the East End of London. The only problem they’re having is finding someone who’s not afraid to play James Earl Ray. The word around the campfire is that he killed fifteen stuntmen on the set of the movie for pointing a gun at him. If you haven’t seen any of Jason Statham’s films then you should update your Netflix queue right now. I recommend Lock, Stock, & 2 Smoking Barrels, Snatch, The Transporter, The Italian Job, and Crank. Pixar would make a movie about the Stathe but they don’t have enough pixels.