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I had very little to get done today, so I got very little done. I don’t know if I like holidays in the middle of the week. They throw me off schedule. I should have made it to the gym but didn’t. The only things I accomplished today were having lunch with my parents and buying some fruit at Publix. The most intriguing moment of my day was watching Oprah interrogate that woman that got FUBAR by a chimp. This woman says that she doesn’t remember anything about the attack, most likely because an ape mauled her and ate her face. I feel comfortable putting that in the psychologically disturbing category, and I would have tried not to bring it up. Oprah was grilling her like a US Attorney General cross examining Barry Bonds about his steroid use. “You don’t remember anything about it?” This lady said she had always been afraid of the chimp, but her boss was out of town and it fell to her to feed the beast. I would have said no. If I was going to feed the chimp, he would need to be in a cage, or I would need a tranquilizer gun rifle. If these weren’t possible then Bobo would go hungry. I’m going to be out of town for the next ten days. Do you mind flossing my cobra’s fangs once a day? Flossing is actually more important than brushing. When did wild animals stop being wild? I’ve mentioned this before. All anyone has to do is search “chimps hunting” on YouTube. I don’t recommend the DailyMotion or Metacafe videos unless you’re a combat veteran. This stuff can’t be unseen once it’s been watched. Any of these videos will show the proper way to handle and care for chimpanzees.

Step 1. Leave the things the f**k alone.
Step 2. Live happily ever after with a face and fingers.

I promise I will get to the gym tomorrow so I can write about swimming instead of chimpnihilation.