Naturally

I’m seriously considering getting a case of Natty Light, and even though the bottles are the same price as the cans I’m thinking about going with the cans. I’ll invite the neighbors over to get piss drunk and commit some misdemeanors – most likely felonies if I get the bottles. They’re going to need to bring their own case(s) because one won't be enough. I wonder which choice is more environmentally friendly. I grew up on Natural Light. It wasn’t the first beer I drank, but it was the beer of choice for those of us under twenty-one when we were all under twenty-one, especially if females were present. It’s a great beer. It won’t get you bloated like Busch. It doesn’t pose the same danger of alcohol poisoning as Old English 800, and it won’t break the bank like Bud Light. It’s $11 a case now, almost double what I paid for it twenty years ago. How awesome is a $6 case of beer? Natty Light is a beer designed for binge drinking – college students and hobos with an aversion to wine – despite the ridiculous disclaimer Anheuser-Busch has on its website about it being brewed to be enjoyed responsibly by adults. According to some research I’m making up right now, Natty Light is responsible for 3 out of every 5 pick-up truck pregnancies in the United States since A-B first started selling it in 1977. I think it may have been specifically designed to grease the skids to bad decisions. Another finding from the previously referenced research is that 15 out of every 10 arrests (you read that correctly) in a trailer park involve Natty Light. I remember selling the Tallahassee Democrat door-to-door in some of those mobile home communities. They were some of the nicest people in the world, especially if it was warm outside. If it wasn’t a Friday (payday) there was the same chance of me selling a subscription as there was of me finding some clean urine, but they always had some Natty Light and they always shared. One night I rolled up on these two good ‘ol boys who didn’t want the newspaper but one of them offered me some Natty Light. The second one asked if I was going to get drunk. When I said no, they rescinded the offer. So I sat with them pounding Natty Lights and talking Seminole football for the next three hours. The best part is that they convinced four of their neighbors to get the paper. Yeah, I gotta get a case of Natural Light.