Swingaholics Anonymous

I’ve got a top notch stupidity sweat going, and probably a few slipped discs. The new Wii Fit game has a driving range on it that I had forgotten about. That was a good thing. MJ took out the Wii Sports Resort game that’s a lot of fun and put in the stupid Fit game for some reason. She was playing the obstacle course and made me play. When it was over I saw the driving range on the menu and decided to give it a try. I thought it was going to be like the Sports Resort golf just a little more technical. I forgot that it’s a lot more technical and much closer to real golf i.e. I slice like an O.J./Bobby Flay love child. I quit playing golf almost five years ago because it’s expensive and MJ will frustrate and enrage me for free. When I found the driving range this evening I went through the classic addict-falling-off-the-wagon steps. I was just going to hit a bucket of balls with my iron. The Wii Fit is all about balance. It will be fun. The target was 150 yards away. I tried to swing as easy as I could; let the club do the work. My first shot was straight and true and came up at 128 yards. I need to clarify that I’m not addicted to golf. I’m addicted to swinging hard. The game shouldn’t have disrespected me like that. A successful golf swing is about torque and not power. I know this but it means less than nothing to me, so I suck and I hurt myself by swinging as hard as I can. Golf is a taproot to my rage. Before I knew it I had abandoned the iron and was slicing drive after drive in rapid succession, hence the sweating. I was throwing myself off the balance board and the game was telling me I was swinging too hard. If the game didn’t want me to swing hard it shouldn’t have a 300 yard marker on the TV. It was just like I was at the real driving range. I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but my golf rock bottom moment came at the UNF driving range. I bought two buckets of balls and worked my way from my pitching wedge to my driver. I would move up clubs when I hit three good shots in a row. Wedge thru 3 wood took less than half a bucket. I still haven’t hit three good drives in a row. I was in the last spot on the range so when I looked up all I saw was trees. It was the middle of the day in July in Florida. I was the only one out there, so I didn’t keep my emotions in check. My rage was at berserker when I got to my very last ball. I tried to calm myself down and let the club do the work. I just wanted to hit one straight. I would have settled for hooking one. I just didn’t want to slice it into the woods with the rest of its bucket and a half of brothers. I can hit the ball straight as long as I don’t swing hard, but somewhere in my downswing I have to put just a little extra on it, and that’s what I did. The ball sliced into the woods. I completely lost control. I threw my driver as far as I could, knocked over my golf bag, and started kicking it like I was Joe Pesci and it told me to go get my shine box. I turned around and there was a little old White lady standing twenty yards away watching a 240lb. Negro go Chernobyl on a golf bag. She was 87 years old if she was a day. I didn’t care. I retrieved my driver, which I had thrown far enough for me to notice the walk to get it and the walk back. I picked up my bag and left. I was almost home before it occurred to me that I may have overreacted and golf may not be for me. I had a mild relapse tonight. Fortunately, no one was hurt. My name is LJ and it’s been forty minutes swung hard.